“I
know you must be disappointed.”
Let
me begin with the warning that this is a dreadfully honest collection of thoughts from a
father who has very recently lost two little girls. I see no reason to pull any
punches in the interest of theological correctness. Or of being particularly
polite, for that matter. If you’ve wandered here
casually, you should probably leave now.
One
of the greatest misconceptions Natalie and I have run into, both with medical
staff and well-meaning friends, is that we are sad because we expected “a
baby” and didn’t get one. Oh well, better luck next time, right? It would be a
simple matter of getting pregnant again and successfully reaching full term and
delivering a new baby. Problem solved.
What
people don’t understand is that neither of our
daughters was just a “potential baby.” Each was a unique genetic and spiritual
blend that existed briefly as a tiny individual, but will never walk this
earth. They were our daughters—Aurora Leigh and Abigail Elaine. We could have ten
children, but never have them back.
They are irreplaceable.
No,
Doctor, we have two dead daughters: we’re not ‘disappointed.’
We’re utterly devastated.
“Everything
happens for a reason.”
Another
ill-informed saying we hear is “everything happens
for a reason.”
No,
it doesn’t. Nowhere in Scripture does it say
that anything happens “for a reason”—unless that reason is that our foolish
forefathers ate the wrong fruit the Garden, and we’ve been damned to suffer
ever since.
I
would propose in its place the more correct (if somewhat vulgar) aphorism: “shit
happens.”
God
does not cause everything to happen. If He did, what a cruel God He would be.
He does, however, engineer solutions. Romans 8:28 says, “we
know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God”
(Rom 8:28). The Apostle John hears a voice say, “He will wipe away every tear
from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be
any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.” In the
next verse, God says, “Behold, I make all things new” (Rev 21:4-5).
I
know God will completely cure the ills of the human experience. But this is a
future event. Until then, Natalie and I are doomed to grieve for the rest of
our earthly lives. Nothing—NOTHING—can ever fill those two gaping holes in our
hearts.
All
we can hope is that in this life or the next, the God of All Comfort will
somehow forge our indescribable pain into something beautiful. And that He can
bring something to our lives—be it His presence, or future children, or
anything—that might in some way offset that pain.
He hath made
every thing beautiful in His time.
—Ecc. 3:11
