“Is there air in hell?”
“Are angels made out of atoms?”
As a kid, I had to work really hard to put together an understanding of the world, and I asked some weird questions along the way. I was born to parents who were missionaries in South America, and they were trying their best to bring me up according to their beliefs. But sometimes things didn’t make much sense.
“Does Jesus love the Devil?” I would ask.
“Um, go ask Dad,” Mom would say.
Even though I had a tough time putting it all together, as time passed, there was one thing that I was growing certain of: God was becoming real to me.
I remember my passion at the age of ten: I’d listen intently to every sermon and study my Bible the best I knew how. At my request, I was water baptized. I prayed earnestly. Even while riding the bus, I’d talk to strangers about my faith.
Years passed. We moved from South America to Canada, and later from Canada to the United States. My passion didn’t always stay the same, but God was always real to me. At every youth camp or special service I would respond to God and give Him my life over and over again.
After high school, I spent a summer in New York City feeding the homeless, helping churches with construction projects, and preaching on the streets. It was amazing to see so many people—both children and adults— responding to our simple message that God loved them.
Still more years passed. I moved by myself to California, feeling strongly that God was leading me. I began a period of many lonely years. I suffered more than a few failed romances. I struggled with times of deep depression. On the surface, things did not always go so well for me. But through all of it, God was there, and I drew even closer to Him.
One day, I met an amazing and beautiful girl named Natalie. We fell deeply in love and got happily married. But three months later, a doctor told us that Natalie had cancer of the thyroid. That horrible word “cancer” fell into my heart like a depth charge and exploded in sadness. And fear.
Natalie had her thyroid gland removed and underwent radiation treatment. But then the radiologist saw something “suspicious” in a follow-up scan, and my fears flared up with a vengeance.
It came to a boiling point as I was standing in the parking lot of the Navy yard where I worked. In anguish, I looked up at the sky and cried to God, “Why?”
But in my heart I heard God’s voice tell me not to be afraid. A mighty battle was raging in my soul: fear and grief on one side, and a trembling faith on the other. And somehow, by some strength that could only come from heaven itself, that faith began to rise up and the fear began to falter. Out loud, I began to say that—no matter what—God is good and faithful and just.
Finally, the fear collapsed in defeat, and I knew something had changed. I stood in that parking lot with tears streaming down my face, and I knew that God Himself stood there with me. I had reached out to Him with faith—weak as it was—and He had reached out to me with His incredible grace.
Then, something amazing happened as I stood there: my phone rang. It was my mother-in-law. She told me that she had just gotten off the phone with the doctor.
Natalie was free of cancer.
I danced in that parking lot. I cried. I ran inside and hugged my coworkers and my boss, telling them the wonderful news. God had helped me overcome my fear.
In the Bible, Jesus says that eternal life is simply knowing God*. After so many years, I still have a lot of unanswered questions—and I suspect that I always will. But I do know this: getting to know God has been the adventure of my lifetime. And He is always there for me.
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* “And this is the way to have eternal life—to know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, the one you sent to earth.” John 17:3 (NLT).
